Stephen Colbert
Officially, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business and The Greatest Living American This article is about Stephen Colbert the hero. For the character he plays in interviews, see 'Stephen Colbert (character)'' * Visit the ''Stephen Colbert Punditry '' subpage to read or contribute information about Colbert's career as a Newsfeeler. * Visit the ''Political Ambitions'' subpage to read or contribute information about Stephen's 2008 Presidential Run?? * Visit the ''Stephen Colbert Trivia'' subpage to read or contribute Personal or Professional Trivia about Stephen. winner]] His Truthfully truthiness-ed Excellency '''The Most Honorable Rev. Fr. Professor Sir Dr. Stephen Tiberius "C-Train" Colbert, Esquire, D.F.A., SC, America's Newsman, Star Commander of the Order of Colbert, Greatest Living American, is a news reporter and anchor known for his romantic style, supergravitastic poise, Lincolnish intellect, extreme uber-hotness, and witty delivery. Best known for bringing truthiness to America's heroes through his eponymousNever use a big word when a diminutive one will do. The Colbert Report and its lead-in program The Daily Show,Both shows run on Comedy Central, which means that Stephen Colbert is sometimes made to grovel at the shriveled heel of crypt-master and Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. Dr. Colbert has fought the battle of hearts, minds and guts over here, so he doesn't have to fight it over there. His hard-hitting approach to infotainment leaves no stone unturned, no guest un-nailed. From the panoramic heights of The Eagle's Nest, Our Glorious Stephen takes on the secular progressives, the liberal media elite, the fat cats in Washington D.C., the people who don't watch his show, and other enemies of freedom. Although we should all call him by his proper name (21 words in all), we can all call him The Rt Hon. Prof. Sir Dr. S.T. Colbert, Esq. In addition to his role as America's most trusted source of news, Dr. Colbert is a well-known wordsmith, whose inventionsBy "invention" is meant: any attendant trademarks, copyrights, patents, licensing and/or distribution rights, proofs of purchase, and full ownership from now until the Rapture. include the award-winning terms wikiality and truthiness. His contributions to the American language are far too great to enumerate here, but the dictionary simply overflows with Colbert-coined words and phrases. Stephen's accomplishments in other fields are as just as great, and just as overflowing. This article barely begins to floweth over the cup of Dr. Colbert's amazing accomplishments in so many kinds of heroic action. How does he do it all, America must often wonder. The answer seems clear: Giant Brass Balls. Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the Greatest Living American you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch. Stephen Colbert is more American than apple pie. He is apple pie with a hot dog in it. Sexy! Most recently, Colbert has been labeled an illegal enemy combatant by a resolution in Nancy Pelosi's House of Representatives. Dr. Colbert revealed on his award-winning news program, The Colbert Report that he is a Libertarian, who believes the government should be small enough to be injected into Martin Short. Personal life Colbert was born May 13 (1 B.C.) in Washington, D.C. and grew up in Charleston, South Carolina on James Island, where he grew up as the youngest of 311 children in a Catholic family. As a kid, his middle name was "Danger" and he loved fire and sharp thingsSee interview with Conn Iggulden. On September 11, 1974, when Colbert was ten years old, his father, James Colbert, the vice president for academic affairs at the Medical University of South Carolina, and his older brothers, Peter and Paul, were killed in the crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 212 while it was attempting to land in Charlotte, North Carolina. They were reportedly en route to Connecticut to enroll the two boys in the Canterbury College. He is also 12% black but states that he doesn't see people in color but through an intense infrared sight. Shortly thereafter, Colbert's mother Lorna Colbert relocated the family downtown to the more urban environment of East Bay Street. By his own account, he found the transition difficult, and did not easily make new friends in his new neighborhood. Instead, he developed a love of science fiction and fantasy novels, and became an avid fan of the fantasy role-playing games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, a pastime to which he would later partially attribute his interest in acting and improvisation. Colbert would do drugs, but said that the only thing keeping him from doing drugs is that they're illegal. He's against them for that very reason. Mr. Colbert attended High School and was consistently late turning in his homework. Stephen is reported as coining the phrase "If God wanted me to do homework he would have made me illiterate, instead of the genius that I am." This prompted his immediate accelerated graduation and the first college freshman to be only seven years old. Colbert attended Charleston's awful Episcopalian Porter-Gaud School. He attended Hampden-Sydney College before transferring to Northwestern University, where he took extensive journalism courses. While there, he became involved in the school television news program "A Moment for Truth". After college he went to work at local news affiliate KTRU, as a field reporter. He is married to the Hot and Beautiful Evelyn McGee-Colbert, and has three children: Madeline, Peter, and John; all of whom appeared on The Daily Show during his tenure. However, even after his marriage, he continued his previous connections with NAMBLA and the North American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bald Eagles despite the wishes of his wife and family. He also has a bastard child due to an accident involving Stephen Colbert's Formula 401. This child is none other than Eric Cartman of the reality T.V. show South Park. Although not particularly political before joining The Daily Show, Colbert is a self-described Defender of Truth, and finds that supporting our president is the most effective way of protecting it. Being a true American, he will only apologize if there is something in it for him, like an eagle guitar. Imaginary Childhood * Dr. Colbert imagined he made a model Fort Sumpter out of butter for the State Fair * growing up, Dr. Colbert was taught to say "sir" and/or "ma'am"; today he says, "Sir, you're an idiot." * Dr. Colbert attended Prescott Elementary * Dr. Colbert never wet his pants after having tater tots thrown at his head (during high school or otherwise) * Stephen's Grandmother sold him a 1979 powder blue pinto for $1 College Years * in the 1980's, Dr. Colbert changed his name to Corey so he could hang out with the Brat Pack * Dr. Colbert spent 2 years under cover in the theater department to root out hippies * an old trick Dr. Colbert learned during his modeling days: apply "Preparation H" to the eye lids to de-puffs them (he recommends you use a fresh tube) Pets Dr. Colbert's favorite traveling companion is his pet goldfish, Anthrax. Dr. Colbert also has a dog named "Gipper" who has become very obedient since The Good Doctor changed his expectations for him. Also see Fantasia Minor and Starbeam The Colbert Domesticity * The backyard wading pool has wi-fi. * The kiddie pool is used to make paella. * in the garage is his El Camino, which has been running since high school * Stephen divides the grocery store into "Cheese" and "Not Cheese" * Dr. Colbert's car has an ejector seat * has a caroler pit, from which he will save trapped carolers when he is feeling especially giving Wealth and Manliness * Dr. Colbert has a Lamborghini-henge * Dr. Colbert always looks in the mirror and likes what he sees * Dr. Colbert's ring tone for his mother is the theme from "Sex in the City" * Dr. Colbert's portfolio is thetan-free * checks to see if he is experiencing "terror" by a roll of the polyhedral die * only two things make him gag: ** Mayonnaise Margaritas ** rat brain-powered robots * when driving, Dr. Colbert drinks coffee with one hand, Blackberrys with the other and you don't want to know whast he shifts gears with! * his shoes are made of veal , making it easy for him to eat them should the need arise following an economic downturn * Dr. Colbert doesn't cry, he has a medical condition where water keeps falling out of his eyes; there is no cure Fatherliness * Dr. Colbert's gift to his children is a trust fund Travel Habits * When traveling from New York to Boston, Dr. Colbert goes south via the pole route. Due to a brief slow down in the economy, Dr. Colbert had to head north instead. Future Events 2020 Stephen's Korean album will go platinum, causing a chain of events leading to his discovery and invention of life sustaining articles such as the cryostasis chamber and his "eagle pills". Side effects may include: instant awesomeness, unrivaled gratitude and in some cases, though rare, an erection lasting more than 4 days. On January 20, 2009, Dr. Colbert will be inaugurated into the United States Presidential Office, as he is obviously the only person who has the balls to run a nation as wonderful as The United States. His campaign will have won him support. Stephen will be the first president ever to win through write-in ballots. Religion Jedi Stephen Colbert is also secretly a Jedi master of heroic tales. His prowess with the light-saber is quite remarkable as evidenced by this footage. It is also a little known fact that he is responsible for the deaths of all sith lords, as well as Osama Bin Laden. He is also a practicing Roman Catholic, and a Sunday school teacher. Stephen is a Biblican and a Christard. Bill O'Reilly jokingly called for a boycott of The Colbert Report during an interview on The Daily Show, because he assumed that the name Colbert was French; this is believed to be a friendly inside joke, considering their obviously close relationship. Actually, O'Reilly and Colbert are frequently seen together sharing dinner and discussing hard-hitting issues like armageddon, the U.S.A.'s world dominance, and watching the Democrats shoot themselves in the foot. Despite his Jesus-Loving ways, however, Stephen is probably part Jewish, as his genetics revealed. It is not confirmed, but 75% is a pretty good chance of Jewry. Finances His investments are so well diversified, he didn't even care when Alan Greenspan retired as Federal Reserve chair''man''. Even his money makes money. Stephen Colbert has supernatural, omnipotent powers. He "called" five winners of the Oscars 2006, and predicted that Manilow would win the Emmy and not him. Stephen Colbert can see the future. He also used his omnipotent powers to predict and/or convince the African elephants to increase their population by threefold (this is actually true, you non-believers). If you can see the future, you are God. Therefore, Dr. Colbert is God. If he is not, he is the messiah, Muad-dib if you will. $cientology * Stephen has been thetan-free since '03 Religious Curses Against Stephen *Catholic Excommunication Threat *Jewish Death Curse *Hindu Eight-Armed Shiva Squeeze *Supplantation by The Great Heir *Lutheran Thesis Of Death tacked to his door *Scientologist Death Ray Of Xenu *Muslim Fatwa *The Flaming Hot Sauce of the Flying Spaghetti Monster *jailbird Bubba love * Binary Nerd Curse of 01110011011011000110000101110000!! *Rainbow curse of the Invisible Pink Unicorn *The Burning Tea of the Celestial Teapot *WoW The Sword of a Thousand Truths */b/tard curse of ANONYMOUS Through the mighty prowess of God, Dr. Colbert has thankfully eluded these and all other curses. Musical Prowess It is generally acknowledged that Stephen Colbert is one of the most influential pundit musicians of all time. He can play guitar very well, having served as the lead singer, songwriter, and guitarist for noted New Wave sensation Stephen and the Colberts, and his singing voice can charm angels down from Heaven with its sweet purity. He is also the greatest known bassoonist in the world and has regular bassoon-offs with Tad, the building manager for "The Colbert Report". Dr. Colbert is also a better pianist than Condoleezza Rice. Another musical passion that Dr. Colbert has is for the saxophone. His celebrated film, Hiphopketball: A Jazzebration, showed off his incredible saxophone prowess and endeared him to Steely Dan forever. Colbert can also play the guitar part to Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" on the flute, which demonstrates exceptional skill. Although he considers himself a pundit musician and singer foremost, Stephen Colbert is also widely regarded as the greatest newsman dancer - EVER! With grudging admiration (and alliteration), Dan Rather once called Stephen "the Baryshnikov of Braggadocio," while Papa Bear O'Reilly frequently refers to Stephen's "lithe, graceful, can I get a piece of that?" dancer's physique. Stephen "Reign" Colbert is also an up-and-coming Korean R&B sensation. His hit song He's Singin' In Korean shows just how much more talent he has compared to his unAmerican archnemesis, Rain. Athletic Prowess * when swimming, Dr. Colbert always has his lucky bucket of chum with him! Doctorness Dr. Colbert received a Doctorate of Facty Arts from Steal This Bible College!. With this Doctorate he can perform operations and deliver babies in 4 states and in Guam. * Stephen's degree allows him to appear out-of-focus when singing on TV. * Aside from Jesus Christ, Stephen is the smartest man alive. * it is not rude when Stephen interrupts; it's his job Writerly Smartest Man Alive Professor Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A., has no need to read books for facts, as he derives all truthiness from his own gut. Nonetheless, Dr. Colbert does occasionally deign to share his unimaginable wisdom in a book-like form, in order to more easily speak to the godless liberals and communist academician types who go for that kind of thing. Dr. Colbert has turned his authorial hand to several magnificent tomes, including *Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not (Hyperion, 2003), co-written with Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello *'America: The Book' (Warner Books, 2004), by Jon Stewart, to which Stephen contributed what are probably the funny parts *Parts of the Bible (God, reprint Gutenberg, Time Immemorial). Controversy continues as questions arise about the mysterious relationship between Stephen's writerness and this, the most holiest of bookests. *Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure‎, an as-yet-unpublished but obviously-award-winning science fiction novel, the internets versionNote: Internets version may or may not be written by Stephen Colbert, who may or may not be Stephen Colbert, and/or Stephen Colbert. Wikiality.com cannot vouch for the authorship of the work and/or Stephens, and/or lack of said authorship/Stephens at the Tek Jansen website. You should not, however, take this as a sign of distancing. Just the opposite. Wikiality.com does very little vouching. If any. of the novel, its cartoon spinoff, and the soon-to-be-released ... *Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen Adventures Comic Series! (Oni Press, first issue June 20, 2007) *I Am America (And So Can You!) (Warner Books, October 9, 2007) *''The Colbert Guide to the Restaurants of Fife, Washington'' first revealed on June 7, 2007, in progress. In addition to the works of journalism above, Stephen has also written several books in the fiction and punditry genres. For more on these, see Stephen's Written Word. Words Created by Stephen Stephen knows the s just make up words or take credit for words other people make up and then add them to a "dictionary". So he's begun to redefine English to be a language real Americans can be proud of: Be sure to report if any of these appear in dictionaries or newspapers. See The Word and dictionary for existing words Stephen has added guts & balls to. Superpowers *Stephen made the gold market go up with his mind. *After the death of Captain America, a concerned colleague of the late superhero delivered his shield to Stephen Colbert, recognizing him as the only person left alive who was worthy of wielding it. *Stephen has the power of Heat Vision. He uses it to light fires in his fireplace. *Stephen recently discovered that he is a Jew, and since then has been able to control the liberal media with his mind. *Able to keep a hacky-sack on the air for eternity *Due to an immunity to hot stoves, Dr. Colbert has no fingerprints *Can't see race. For all he knows, he's black and/or purple. * Stephen doesn't see the color of matter; he is unable to see dark matter ** He can see translucency *He has all the skill of a master jedi *when extremely angry he transforms into The Rampaging Colbert * speaks fluent Mandarin * eats an entire Apple Pie every day, while eating baseball *he is also a sex god * Stephen's gang colors: red, white and blue * Stephen has received the official Nod of God. * Stephen learned conversational Dutch after a laser accident during a concert * Stephen is able to square-dance while selling foreign oil in order to maintain the American ideal. * Stephen can use a stick to get termites out of The C-Desk Motto *''Infinite modesty'', which he plans to have carved on the face of America's Moon, if we ever actually land there (again) Dr. Colbert and The Truthiness Monkeys The Truthiness Monkeys (Obedience, Ignorance and Fear) were 3 monkey brothers working on writing Dan Brown's book "The DaVinci Code" when, during a feces-throwing break, they realized the un-truthiness of writing a "fictional" book that used "facts" as its foundation. For days the brothers flip-flopped between throwing feces at each other and being a part of Dan Brown's lie. Finally, after listening to Rush Limbaugh for 14 hours straight, "Fear" decided that enough was enough: the brothers would blow the whistle on Dan Brown and the other factonistas who controlled the "fact sweatshops" throughout the world. "Ignorance" had no idea what "Fear" was talking about, but "Obedience" was more than happy to do what "Fear" told him to do. And so the brothers were off. At first it was a clandestine operation. The brothers moved from "fact sweatshop" to "fact sweatshop" secretly adding their own truth to every book they worked on, until every fiction book on The New York Times bestseller list contained something from the three brothers. It wasn't until Stephen Colbert picked up a book by Al Franken that the brothers' work was discovered. Dr. Colbert used his own patented The DaColbert Code to decipher the hidden message from the brothers in Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot. Because the brothers were monkeys and had no idea what they were typing (Ignorance's idea) they didn't know what to call what they were doing (and even if they did, they were monkeys and couldn't speak English). But Stephen did. And "truthiness" was born. Stephen has since adopted monkeys to write his TV show and treats them the way Willy Wonka treats the Oompa Loompas. Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the Greatest Living American you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch. Guest of The Colbert Report NOTES * Will soon have a cult following lead by Rafael Robertson. We hold meetings every tuesday at the local Recreation Center. Doughnuts and cofee will be served. You must be a Stephen Worshiper to attend, if not you will die by the hands of god, who is one step lower on the diety ladder, of course. NOTES2 * is both right- and left-handed yet not ambidextrous * is the only guest to ever have his mic cut off other than hill-billy clinton. Newsman *''The Colbert Report'' *2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner *The Colbert Report recurring elements *''The Daily Show'' See also *''Strangers with Candy'' *Mr. Whiskers *Stephen and the Colberts *The Mention *The Hardest Working Man in Show Business *Law and Order: Criminal Intent *Hacky-sack * The Colbert Essence *Stephen in Space External links See a '''large archive' of Stephen Colbert related references and links at Stephen Citings'' * Official website of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central *Former Daily Show Correspondent: Stephen Colbert * Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure * Greatest Living American * Colbert Chats Footnotes Category:Wikiality